you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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