she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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