If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
True strength comes from lack of pants
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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