he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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