Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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