Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
