my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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