Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
