You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
