don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
