I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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