just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
