Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I supernannyed him into submission
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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