I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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