this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
