make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
