Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Who died my cat blue again?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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