his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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