do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
