I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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