How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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