someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
