saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
