I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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