Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
