Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
