im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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