you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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