I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
