I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
