dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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