He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
