Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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