Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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