Swine flu is the new snow day.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
