I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
