come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
