Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize