now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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