I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize