I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
