You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
