What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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