You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
