This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
