boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
