her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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