Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
