i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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