Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
