i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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