He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
