So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
