if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
