My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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