he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
