I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I don't deserve a penis
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
